Anton Smirnoff

It wasn’t nerves about meeting all those guys, really, just concern that I wouldn’t be able to keep that spag bol down. Having Metallica’s Ride the Lightning banging round my head probably didn’t help either. Stuck on the train, I was only worried about being late. Pinkdate emailed me the night before saying if I wasn’t there by 7:45 then I’d miss the first session, and so NO ELIGIBLE BACHELORS FOR ME. Google Maps also lied to me about where this bar actually was, a betrayal so cruel I felt like a child that Lassie had chucked down the well just for giggles.

Rocking up looking like Natalie Cassidy (Sonia off ‘Enders) after one of her workout videos, I got a card, free pen (way too happy about that) and instructions on how the event worked. “You’ll get to meet everyone and you’ll move around if you have a dot on your name tag”, instructions voided as soon as everyone was necking their second double vodka and coke.

Jody, the American lecturer, my first date of the night, was treated to my classic icebreaker that even elderly people at the Old Steine bus stop have enjoyed. “Classic British summer, eh?” Hamza was sweet, getting overexcited about my hair, sloshed already on this third G&T. There were quite a few nice guys who, unfortunately, just blended into the furniture. There was the hairdresser who worked in Kemptown, paranoid I’d tell his boss that he wanted to leave his job and move to London. Later I met his boss, King, who was lechery incarnate. Appearing the very ropey side of 47, King asked me if I was out, which, well, duh, it’s pretty obvious once you start talking to me. Hiding behind my drink to avoid any eye contact, he let me know just “how awful it was” that I wasn’t allowed to bring random guys back to mine. “Nah, not really, my mum just doesn’t want her TV getting stolen.”

John was the only bad date I had. He opened with his view that “God made all gays either deformed, or beautiful but snobbish”, to which I coolly replied “So which am I then?” His response? A bunch of nervous “ums” and “ahs”.

A pretty fun night out I’d say. Not to be taken too seriously, but if you’re looking, where else are you going to meet so many possible dates in just one evening?

Categories: Arts

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