In order to make it through a family Christmas, some members of the human race turns to its favourite nurse: booze.
The actual big day requires many litres of booze to get through being with members of your family you normally move heaven and earth to avoid. So instead of telling you all to kick the booze and instead hold hands and have a puritan Christmas, here’s how to manage your drinking on Christmas day.
The morning. Start with a Buck’s Fizz. No one likes morning drinkers, leave that to the twats who get on morning flights to Malaga with cans of Stella. Only pop the cork on your champagne after 9am.
Slip away to help with the cooking. Offer to peel the carrots and cook all the veg. There are many advantages to this; you don’t have to listen to your uncles conversing about how packed the M4 was. You can also upgrade from a Buck’s Fizz to champagne.
Happy Hour. Cocktail hour at two pm will upgrade your village hall Christmas into more of a rave. Once the first round of Bellini’s have been absorbed, your Nan will start swearing and you’ll be justified to switch off Michael Buble and put on something a little more upbeat.
The meal. Red wine with the meal, three glasses max, and make sure you sit near a bottle, there’s nothing more excruciating than seeing a bottle get passed around the table.
Port and cheese. After the meal, settle into a few glasses of Port while a drunken relative insists on reading out all the cracker jokes. By this time, you should be falling into a bit of haze, embrace it.
Coffee: just say no. Firmly reject the offer of tea or coffee. This will start to sober you up into the abyss which is Christmas evening. All that food and booze in your stomach is rumbling around and down into your intestines. My tipple of choice for the early evening is whiskey with lemonade; a light touch which won’t burn and will help digest your food.
Game night. After you’ve watched Doctor Who someone will suggets playing a festive game. This is where you can get back onto the harder stuff. usually sherry or bailey’s is being passed back and forth between in the over sixties, but now is the time for a touch of straight up whiskey. Once you’ve filled your tumbler with a spot of bourbon, settle down with the cousins you can tolerate and start a game of monopoly. Loser has to make a round of cocktails.
Before bed. Okay, so you’ve battled it out over Monoply, and the reparations are being paid with shots of Brandy. By now you should be in the final stage of acceptable drunkness. Someone will be singing White Chrsitmas, Nan will have passed out, and your new headphones sat on. Luckily, with all the booze, you won’t give a monkeys.