Each morning the serenity of my east slope boudoir is disturbed by a pitter-pattering across the tin roof.


I’m talking about seagulls, my friends. If they had told me that when you live by the sea you must put up with the constant primordial screech of the gull, I’d have stayed as far away from the coast as geographically possible.


For a while we fed them, gave them names, let them hang out in the kitchen, but the incessant screaming that emerges from those filthy bundles of feathers has driven me insane.


I might shoot as many of them as I can before turning the gun on myself. A little strong you might say?


Perhaps you grew up in a coastal town and they remind you of home?


Well, the other day, a particularly large gull stole my salmon bagel right out of my hands before staring me down and screeching into my astonished face.


Dear reader, I’m not ashamed to tell you, I was terrified. They know what they’re doing.


I’ve decided to announce my running for student president, with the campaign slogan “cull the gull; badgers never stole my bagel” which will consist of me poisoning the aforementioned bird, but also trying to save the badgers.


I swear I’m not a monster you know. Join me citizens, let us raise our firearms and blow them out of the sky.

Joe Wilson

Categories: News

One comment

Moan Zone – Cull the Gull

  1. Annoying aren’t they! I have had my lunch nicked too and even experienced them knocking on the window!
    You may find this hard to believe as they are a very vocal species that is not easy to overlook and can still be found at most coastal locations and many inland as well. However, their breeding population has declined from 750,000 pairs in 1993 to 378,000 pairs according to the most recent figures.

    The numbers of non-breeding herring gulls which spend winter here have also fallen by over 50 per cent, according to the long-term trends. Herring gulls have dropped in number at their coastal sites by 53 per cent since 1969. Despite an increase at inland nesting sites, they are still declining overall.

    One of the main reasons for the decline is the lack of food for them in the coastal environment. The overfishing of UK coastal waters and warming seas caused by climate change are likely to be the main reasons for the reduced amount of food available to gulls.
    Herring Gulls are naturally scavengers and with a reduction in the sea food they would normally scavenge they now get very easy food from our towns and cities.
    So what is the cause of the problem in the first place

    Not only would poisoning be illegal but would be putting other innocent fauna at risk.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *