I’m talking about seagulls, my friends. If they had told me that when you live by the sea you must put up with the constant primordial screech of the gull, I’d have stayed as far away from the coast as geographically possible.
For a while we fed them, gave them names, let them hang out in the kitchen, but the incessant screaming that emerges from those filthy bundles of feathers has driven me insane.
I might shoot as many of them as I can before turning the gun on myself. A little strong you might say?
Perhaps you grew up in a coastal town and they remind you of home?
Well, the other day, a particularly large gull stole my salmon bagel right out of my hands before staring me down and screeching into my astonished face.
Dear reader, I’m not ashamed to tell you, I was terrified. They know what they’re doing.
I’ve decided to announce my running for student president, with the campaign slogan “cull the gull; badgers never stole my bagel” which will consist of me poisoning the aforementioned bird, but also trying to save the badgers.
I swear I’m not a monster you know. Join me citizens, let us raise our firearms and blow them out of the sky.