For Twilight – Anton Smirnoff

Having had minimal experience with Twilight, I decided to have a rummage through the infinite number of reviews for the newest film in the series, Breaking Dawn: Part 1, to see what might be in stall for me at the midnight viewing I was attending. Every piece I came across thought it was their duty, appointed to them by some divine power, to warn the nation of the film’s shambolic dialogue, acting that makes a potted plant look like the next Meryl Streep, and the disturbing notion of, oh god, please, no, not…Mormonism!

Congratulations movie reviewers the world over, you’ve stated what everyone knew from day one. It’s awful. Of course it is. The thing is, at this point, it knows it, completely. The latest succubus in the series is one of the most cringe worthy pieces of cinema ever produced. Oh, and just so you know, I couldn’t stand the first film. Half an hour in and I was clawing my eyes out and crawling towards the door to save the remnants of my soul.

Now, I love Twilight, just because it’s so delightfully awkward. Every completely unnatural piece of dialogue, every two minute pause that has absolutely no reason to exist and an abortion ‘debate’ which devolves to a couple of vampires shouting “Baby!” “Foetus!” for a good five minutes or so is cinematic gold. Twilight has gone beyond bad and returned as the master of the car crash. The idea that people might be brainwashed by this two hour long parody is ridiculous, offensively sniping those who revel in its mediocrity as idiots. Well, if that’s the case, then at least we’re having a laugh while we’re at it.

Twilight is a bit of fun, another harmless entry into the pantheon of awful entertainment aimed at young adults, that became quickly re-appropriated by fans of schlock and those who know an utterly compelling train wreck when they see one.


Against Twilight – Lucy Mellamphy

The recent release of Breaking Dawn: Part 1, has seen Team Edward and Team Jacob join forces and hit the cinema in their droves, desperate for another dose of perpetual misery and despair.

Parting with 6 whole pounds, I resigned myself to 2 hours of watching Kristen Stewart angst out over which of the two hot men (who are obsessed with her to the point of needing a restraining order) to choose as her boyfriend. You’d think being engaged to Edward would make the decision a little easier, but there’s something about the way she looks at Jacob’s continually bare chest that makes you question how long the marriage would last, especially as being a vampire wipes out the option of ‘til death do us part’.

Of course if the harrowing love triangles and Bella’s persistent whinging doesn’t already have you hooked, the’ birth’ of Bella’s vampire child should be graphic and bloody enough to ensure you leave with a significant mental impression of the film. After a couple of standard nightmare sequences and scenes involving Jacob running around topless, being angry and kicking the shit out of his motorbike, Bella lands herself up the duff with Edward’s vampire spawn. The pregnancy from hell then ensues and the audience is treated with the sight of Edward ripping Bella to shreds with his fangs and bringing her back to live with his venom.

We can only hope that Bella might be a little more upbeat about things now her dream of becoming a vampire has been fulfilled…but this might be a little outlandish. Roll on Breaking Dawn Part 2!

Categories: Theatre

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *