Cloverfield: Paradox Review

Released on Netflix during the late hours of Sunday night, Cloverfield: Paradox was guaranteed a smaller opening night audience than its ship’s crew, as North America recovered from the simultaneous hype of a new Jenner and… ah, the Super Bowl.

Writing from the snowy depths of Western Massachusetts, this writer assumed that Monday evening could hardly be more depressing than watching Brady and co snatch defeat from the jaws of victory alongside 60 diehard Patriots fans.

They were wrong.

My running theory is that the team behind Paradox realised roughly halfway through post-prod that they’d forgotten to include a script.

“Actors?”

“Yep.”

“CGI?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Script?”

“…”

“Script?”

“I thought you had that covered. Hold on, let me check the Google Doc- oh yeah. That’s my bad.”

After a boozy crisis-solving session at the tailgate on Sunday afternoon, they came to the reasonable conclusion that the only option would be to secretly release the trailer and film in exactly 6 hours, when the post-game parties/wakes (delete as applicable) would be in full swing.

As a publicity dodging curveball, it worked like magic. However, the Paradox team didn’t account for one crucial snag: hungover critics rising on Monday morning with a pounding head and an appetite for destruction.

And so the bloodbath began.

I’d love to stop pontificating, but I truly have no idea where to begin with this spaceship-shaped car crash of a film. Okay let’s start simple: the title. Actually, simpler: the franchise. Cloverfield. Seems easy enough?

Number one was an understated found footage monster horror. Number two was a claustrophobic thriller remembered for John Goodman’s astonishingly good performance as a helper-turned-hunter, loosely slotted into the Cloverfield universe during its rather peculiar final third.

Number three goes the extraordinarily thoughtful length of naming its ship ‘Cloverfield’ and seems to think that’s enough to tick the franchise box. That’s like naming a coach ‘Lion King’ and setting the remake on a Megabus.

It’s. Not. Okay.

Franchise abdication aside, Paradox doesn’t even hold water as a standalone galactic adventure. The crew are cold-war era caricatures, the cinematography follows a comatose medium-close-up-shot-of-space-shot-of-the-ship’s-interior formula, and the soundtrack doesn’t little to alleviate the crushing sense of predictability.

In space, no one can hear you snore.

The doubtlessly talented cast do their best to encourage the withered writing to excel, but sadly their genuine effort is undermined by unexplained worms and disappearing arms. Think The Chamber of Secrets crossed with The Last Airbender set in space and you get the general picture.

The exposition reaches surreal levels of laziness, exemplified by a TV channel – screened on the ship – discussing the potential catastrophic consequences of the mission as the crew fiddle around with meaningless switches.

“Turn that shit off” snaps one of the instantly forgettable characters, in the most appropriate line of the film.

One small step for man, one giant sleep for mankind.

Get the best viral stories straight into your inbox!

Don't worry, we don't spam

Leave a Reply

Join the Badger Team

Apply today!

Latest Posts

Union obliterates the debate – unwritten requirement used to shut down free speech debate
Campus News
497 views1
Campus News
497 views1

Union obliterates the debate – unwritten requirement used to shut down free speech debate

Jordan Wright - April 27, 2018

Student society Liberate the Debate’s most recent event was cancelled over a lack of compliance with the Students' Union's (USSU) requirement for a neutral chair - a…

Verve Couture – Musicality, kitsch & ignition: the beginning of a series
Arts
23 views
Arts
23 views

Verve Couture – Musicality, kitsch & ignition: the beginning of a series

Ricardo Reverón Blanco - June 17, 2018

Pictured: Zac Black At Proud Cabaret audiences were spellbound as if at night at the circus, yet this was not like Angela Carter’s magical realist novel; Verve…

Fleabag on stage at The Old Market – review
Arts
75 views
Arts
75 views

Fleabag on stage at The Old Market – review

Florence Dutton - June 11, 2018

[caption id="attachment_35513" align="alignnone" width="2400"] Fleabag at Soho Theatre[/caption] Last Monday at 8pm at Brighton’s The Old Market, I sat myself down in my theatre seat eagerly awaiting…

Fleabag preview
Arts
83 views
Arts
83 views

Fleabag preview

Florence Dutton - June 2, 2018

[caption id="attachment_35513" align="alignnone" width="2400"] Fleabag at Soho Theatre[/caption] Following the mass success of the Bafta award-winning BBC Series, DryWrite and Soho Theatre are about to hit the…

Brighton Festival: Ezra Furman at the Dome
Arts
108 views
Arts
108 views

Brighton Festival: Ezra Furman at the Dome

Georgia Grace - June 1, 2018

Having completed my final semester of university with modules on punk history and queer arts, it was fitting that I rounded off my end-of-assessment celebrations by attending…

Arts
128 views

The Tempest review

Georgia Grace - May 30, 2018

As the sun begins to set over Hove Green, tinnies of Red Stripe are cracked open, tartan blankets are strewn, and families tuck into their picnic hampers.…

A Glass Half Empty review
Arts
140 views
Arts
140 views

A Glass Half Empty review

Georgia Grace - May 27, 2018

For those of us coming to the end of another year of university study, the prospect of careers, marriages and babies may seem a long way off.…

DollyWould at The Old Market review
Arts
133 views
Arts
133 views

DollyWould at The Old Market review

Alex Hutson - May 27, 2018

Sh!t Theatre’s DollyWould is a hilarious, thoughtful and experimental performance piece. The award winning show has the Sh!t Theatre duo integrating comedy, storytelling, personal experience and music.…

UCU Launch Petition to End the ‘Hostile Environment’ at Sussex
Campus News
211 views
Campus News
211 views

UCU Launch Petition to End the ‘Hostile Environment’ at Sussex

Billie-Jean Johnson - May 26, 2018

The Sussex branch of the University and College Union (UCU) has launched a petition calling for Vice-Chancellor Adam Tickell to end the 'hostile environment' at Sussex. The…

Arts
99 views

Shakespeare in the sun – The Tempest preview

Georgia Grace - May 24, 2018

In a world of dystopian King Lears and female Hamlets, Shakespeare’s classics are constantly being reimagined for the modern day. There’s something oddly refreshing then about the…

Review: Nick Cave Double Bill at The Old Market (TOM’s Film Club)
Arts
197 views
Arts
197 views

Review: Nick Cave Double Bill at The Old Market (TOM’s Film Club)

Sophie Coppenhall - May 23, 2018

What a phenomenal contrast these two films present when watched side-by-side. In essence, together they are capable of tracing inner and outer metamorphoses of their subjects. The…

Dollywould at The Old Market preview
Arts
130 views
Arts
130 views

Dollywould at The Old Market preview

Alex Hutson - May 22, 2018

From the 22nd May - 25th May 2018 DollyWould will be showing at The Old Market. An exciting new show, presented by Sh!t Theatre, who won the…

Exhibition: Io-sono Fedilouu
Artist Focus
204 views
Artist Focus
204 views

Exhibition: Io-sono Fedilouu

Ricardo Reverón Blanco - May 16, 2018

Last week artist Fedilou made her debut exhibition in the downstairs space of Morelli Zorelli, a quaint vegan Italian restaurant in Hove, featuring a collection of intimate…

Interview with Philosophy faculty and COGS director Ron Chrisley
Interview
140 views
Interview
140 views

Interview with Philosophy faculty and COGS director Ron Chrisley

Nikolaos Manesis - May 15, 2018

Ron Chrisley is a Reader in Philosophy, on the faculty of the Sackler Centre for Consciousness Science, and is the director of COGS (Centre for Cognitive Science).…

Adam review
Arts
209 views
Arts
209 views

Adam review

Ketan Jha - May 13, 2018

If you have been a stranger to the stage this spring and decide to see one contemporary show, let it be Adam. This reviewer went in entirely…

Brighton Fringe Preview: Nick Cave Double Bill at The Old Market (TOM’s Film Club)
Arts
230 views
Arts
230 views

Brighton Fringe Preview: Nick Cave Double Bill at The Old Market (TOM’s Film Club)

Sophie Coppenhall - May 13, 2018

In celebration of iconic Brighton local, legendary alt-rock musician (and episodic actor) Nick Cave, TOM’s Film Club are hosting a double-bill screening of his films at The…

Whimsical fairy-tale meets class war – Standard: Elite review
Arts
271 views
Arts
271 views

Whimsical fairy-tale meets class war – Standard: Elite review

Georgia Grace - May 11, 2018

Meta-theatricality and interactivity are becoming all the more vogue in contemporary theatre, and in a world where the arts are becoming increasingly open and democratised, I find…

A Year of Art Society: The Best Picks
Artist Focus
188 views
Artist Focus
188 views

A Year of Art Society: The Best Picks

Alex Leissle - May 9, 2018

  [gallery type="slideshow" ids="35385,35386,35387,35388,35389,35390,35391,35392,35393,35394,35395,35396,35397,35398,35399,35400,35401,35402,35403,35404,35405,35406,35407,35408,35409,35410,35411"]

More Brit(ish) than ever: A review of Afua Hirsch at Brighton Festival
Books
190 views
Books
190 views

More Brit(ish) than ever: A review of Afua Hirsch at Brighton Festival

William Singh - May 9, 2018

Afua Hirsch’s 2018 book - part memoir, part polemic - provokes mixed feelings. So too did her discussion of the topic at this year’s Brighton Festival. Don’t…

Ethnic-bioweapons: between conspiracy and reality
Science
245 views
Science
245 views

Ethnic-bioweapons: between conspiracy and reality

Luke Richards - May 8, 2018

Bioweapons exist, while ethnic-bioweapons are whispered conspiracies. Pandemics can fairly hazardous to human life, the 1918 Flu Pandemic killed 20-50 million people. A man made pandemic could…

Breaking: Spring referenda results announced
News
258 views
News
258 views

Breaking: Spring referenda results announced

Jessica Hubbard - May 4, 2018

Students have voted to support the BDS (Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions) movement, reject Prevent and adopt new Gender Equality policies. Results for the Students' Union referenda were…